If I had a second chance, I would be more present and engaged to my husband. I made so many excuses for being with him, telling him that I had to work.
I was working as an independent editor, and had contracts with two major companies. I worked flexible hours and the conditions were favourable. As a person working from home, I probably should have spent more time to my hands. I chose which projects I wanted to work on and which ones I didn’t. However, this did not give me any advantage. It became my downfall. I made excuses for staying away from real human connections, including my husband, to staying glued to my computer.
I call them excuses, but I know they were lies. I honestly did not have to work seventeen hours per day. I spent most of my time on the internet, chatting with friends and browsing through interesting web pages, calling all of that work.
I often found my husband to be annoying, especially when he walked in from work and would greet me, disturbing me from my simultaneous three or four interesting conversations that I would be in the middle of, with friends I had never met on Facebook. I would minimize the internet pages and maximize an Editor Application that I would have pre-launched and pretend to be busy working, editing a document. Seeing the look on my face and how “busy” I was, he would keep his conversations short and leave me alone. I always resented him for his insensitivity. At times he would try to hug and kiss me but I would show him that I was really busy trying to make ends-meet for us.
I regret the many times, I avoided and refused intimacy with my husband, with ‘excuses’ that I had a head-ache and my body was too tired from work. I was too obsessed with 'my life' and how I thought I was supposed to live it; make lots of money, have fun, be everything to all people, except the one who really should mean the most to me. I was selfish, and self-absorbed. I wish I could go back and undo the damage.
My husband has now left me. I guess I was the first to leave. I was physically present in the house, but I was unavailable emotionally, mentally, sexually and by any other means. Instead of living in with me, an unavailable married woman, he left and found human connection where it was available. I am still here, working the long unnecessary hours and married to the internet. I have met the woman he is now living with and though I don’t like her and I think I am far much prettier than her, at least she is available for him.
Now it's too late. My David has moved on. I am angry and resentful most of the time, but when I think about it, in all honesty to myself, I have to admit that I screwed my own marriage. Being emotionally, socially, mentally, and physically unavailable to your spouse is essentially punishing them. I don’t think anyone can bare the punishment of living with an unavailable spouse. I shouldn’t have given the internet the place reserved for my husband. I should have been there for him.
I wish I could change the past. I would block time for the sake of my marriage. I would find time just to be with him. I would talk to him. I would listen to him. Instead of him, having to come home and either cook or get some take out, I would cook for him. If I had a second chance, I would be more present and engaged to my husband.